


It's a hard knock life

by The_Sad_Fangirl



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Character Death, Depression, Divorce, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Irondad, M/M, Morgan is so cute, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Stony - Freeform, Suicide Attempt, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark is sad, and enjoy, i cried writing this ngl, oof, so grab some tissues, spiderson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-12 03:22:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20142142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Sad_Fangirl/pseuds/The_Sad_Fangirl
Summary: Tony Stark's life seems to be looking up, finally.He met someone.Then something terrible happens and everything they built up, tumbles down





	It's a hard knock life

**Author's Note:**

  * For [De_Marvel_Bunny](https://archiveofourown.org/users/De_Marvel_Bunny/gifts), [kcusllay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kcusllay/gifts).

> Hey folks,
> 
> The only time I ever really wrote anything I couldn't just leave it at that, so here I am, posting it online :)  
I was inspired by the show Bodyguard I had just watched, because the main character really reminded me of Tony. I gave it my own twist so its not completely the same. I poured a lot of angst and some fluff in here so I hope you enjoy!
> 
> X

_“Can I have another whiskey please?”_

Tony asked the bartender. 

The cute bartender flashes him a bright smile and hands him another whiskey:

_“Anything for you, love.” _

Tony looks up and sees the brightest smile he has ever seen, so bright he has to squint his eyes a little bit. Above that beautiful smile he sees two twinkling eyes.

Now Tony had never believed in love at first sight, but suddenly the idea didn’t seem too crazy anymore. He only fell in love with his wife Pepper after having worked with her for years and knowing her trough and trough. But as time went by and life really grabbed Tony by the nuts and they fell out of love. Especially after Afghanistan…Tony didn’t even want to think about it. But this bartender guy gave him a whole other feeling, something he hadn’t felt in a long time.

After gathering some courage and another glass of whiskey Tony signed the bartender.

As the guy walked over to him, Tony felt his head turning red.

_“What’s up?”_

The guy asked him.

_“H- hi I’m Tony and uhm I uh- I was wondering… if you- if you maybe would like to get a drink? With me? When your shift is over?” _

Tony asked shakily and after he said it he regretted it immediately.

‘_Who would want to get a drink with me?’_

But instead of the awkward silence Tony had expected he heard a laughing:

_“I was wondering when you were gonna ask._

_I’m Steve”_

———

That night Steve and Tony talked for hours. Tony told him about his marriage with Pepper and their two kids, Peter and Morgan and showed them pictures.

_“This is my son Peter, he’s 7, and this little angel over here is Morgan, she’s 4.”_

He explained with a proud tone in his voice.

_“They live with their mother; I go by there as much as I can.”_

Steve loved listening to the man, and completely fell in love with the twinkle in his eyes when he talked about his kids. A few more drinks later Steve asked Tony about the light coming from under his shirt. He immediately noticed how Tony closed off and started breathing heavily after hearing the question.

“Hey Tony, it’s okay you don’t have to tell me. Let’s talk about something else.”

He told the now almost hyperventilating Tony. Tony shot him a look of gratitude and tried to calmed down.

_“I’m so sorry”_

He quickly apologized to Steve the moment he caught his breath.

_“Just… Afghanistan…”_

He whispered only and Steve understood that this was a trigger for Tony. He knew he would get to hear more about this apparently traumatizing experience once Tony was ready to talk about it. Tony was glad he didn’t hurt Steve’s feelings by closing up on him and grateful that he didn’t ask any questions. The rest of the night was very romantic, they walked across the river in the moonlight and Steve had kissed him at the end of the night. Tony was head over toes in love with Steve and felt like his life was finally getting back on the rails.

———

Over the next 2 weeks Steve and Tony kept going out. On their dates they would talk for hours and kiss almost as much. One day Steve invited Tony to spend the night at his place. They fell asleep spooning, Steve holding Tony close to him. Tony had the first night of sleep without any nightmares or waking up in the middle of a panic attack since Afghanistan. The night was quiet and there weren’t any sounds to disturb their sleep. But suddenly Tony woke up, maybe because his instincts warned him, or maybe just because he had to pee really bad. He looked at his watch, which told him it was 4 am. He got up to go to the bathroom, but he didn’t get much further than the living room. The quiet night was disturbed by a giant explosion in the apartment below them. Tony managed to call out Steve’s name before being blown against the wall and losing consciousness.

———

Tony woke up in a room filled with ash and he felt the heat of a fire somewhere near him. He didn’t know how much time had passed. He rolled on his stomach and started crawling towards the bedroom, towards Steve. He saw his boyfriend lying on the ground next to the remains of the bed, blood coming from his ears and a wound in his head. His left leg was bend unnaturally. He heard a foreign sound, someone was screaming. He heard someone breaking down the front door and immediately after noticed he was the one screaming:

_“Steve, Steve please are you okay?! Are you alive?! STEVE!” _

Steve didn’t respond. Someone grabbed Tony by his shoulders and asked him to calm down. It was a paramedic. He saw another paramedic rushing towards his unconscious boyfriend. He tried to fight himself loose from the firm grip of the paramedic, trying to get to Steve and repeatedly screaming his name. He felt a pinch in his neck and his punches became weaker. The last thing Tony heard before losing consciousness was the paramedic who went to check on Steve saying:

_“His heart is still beating; we have to take him to IC fast.”_

And then the world went black.

———

Tony woke up to the beeping of a heartrate-monitor. He felt a bandage around his arm and his head was pounding. He felt tears streaming down his face even before realizing why, but once the realization hit him the few tears turned into worry. Worry about Steve.

_‘Was he okay? Was he even alive?!’_

He pressed a button to call a nurse. The second the nurse walked through the door Tony spit out:

_“Steve, uh, the guy they brought me in with, is he okay? Is he alive? His name is Steven Rogers_.”

The despair overflowing Tony’s eyes made the nurse know he didn’t need immediate care, he just needed to know if this Steve-guy was alright.

_“I’ll go and check for you right away, sir. I’ll send someone else to check on you.”_

The nurse left the room and Tony grabbed his head and started crying out of sheer fear of what might come. He kept telling himself it was all gonna be fine, Steve is fine, but he felt in his heart something was wrong.

Another nurse came in the room to check up on him.

_“I’m fine, really.”_

Tony kept telling her. After she finished her check-up she left the room, leaving Tony alone. The following few minutes were the longest minutes of Tony’s life, but then finally the first nurse entered the room once again. The man had a pained look on his face and you could see the pity in his eyes.

_“I’m very sorry to inform you that Steven Rogers passed away do to his injuries at 5:38 _

_this morning.”_

He went on speaking about how hard the doctors tried to save his life, but Tony didn’t hear it anymore. It was like a light had gone off and now everything had gone black. He was falling down this blackness and his mind seemed to have stopped working. There weren’t any tears. Just darkness. He sat there, numb, as time passed by. Everyone outside the room was just going along with their day, and Tony envied them, but was also angry with them. How could they not care about Steve, _his_ Steve, not being here anymore. How could they not see this blackness surrounding Tony and help him?!

The door shot open and a worried Pepper stood in its opening. Tony had no idea how much time had passed, but did that even matter? Nothing seemed to matter anymore.

_“Tony! Oh thank God you’re okay_!”

Pepper ran up to him and hugged him tightly. It was not like Tony actually was okay, but he didn’t tell Pepper that. Pepper and Tony might not have been in love anymore, but they still cared about each other, so when Pepper heard about Tony being in hospital, she came as quickly as she could.

_“I’m here to take you home. Come on, Tony.” _

Tony was glad Pepper came to pick him up. He wouldn’t know what he would’ve done if she hadn’t.

———

During the ride to Tony’s apartment he didn’t say a word, not for lack of trying on Pepper’s side, he just didn’t feel like talking. He thought back at that morning, he felt the explosion and his body hitting the wall, he saw Steve lying there, ashes falling on top of his still body. He felt the panic and the fear once again. He thought about the last thing he whispered to Steve:

_“I love you Steve”_

and what he whispered back:

_“I love you too Tony”_

He made sure Pepper didn’t notice any of what was going on in his head, he had become quite good at hiding his emotions the past few months, but he knew once he would be alone his mask would shatter like a piece of glass.

Pepper stopped the car in front of Tony’s apartment.

_“Are you gonna be okay Tony? I can just call someone else to pick up the kids from school and stay with you if you want to?”_

She asked, trying to pierce through the man’s mask to see what he needed. She wasn’t stupid, she knew what kind of mental state Tony had been in since Afghanistan. He seemed to be doing better the last few weeks, but she feared that all went down the drain. She had been telling him to go to counseling, but he kept claiming to be fine.

_“It’s alright Pep, just go and get the kids. I’m fine, really.”_

Tony lied in response to her offer and got out of the car. The moment he turned around the tears started streaming down his face, he quickly unlocked the front door and went inside. He felt Pepper’s worrying eyes piercing his back, but didn’t look back.

———

A scream pierced through the quiet night:

_“STEVE!”_

Fire began whooshing around the scene. Through the flames Tony saw Steve. He was wearing a suit, his hands folded on his chest a wedding ring on his finger. Blood began coming out of his ears and half open mouth. Tony felt the flames burning away his eyebrows while he laid there, only able to scream. He tried crawling towards Steve’s still body, but every bit he moved forward, he seemed to go backwards.

_“Steve, please ANSWER ME!” _

Tony closed his eyes, trying to make the fire go away, but it didn’t work. The fire was still there when he opened his eyes and so was the pain. Suddenly Steve opened his eyes and turned his head towards Tony. He had trouble speaking but managed to whisper

“I love you too Tony”

And after having said his last words Tony saw the light go out in his eyes. Tony started screamed and kept screaming, repeating Steve’s name. The screams seemed to echo around the room and became louder and louder. Then the screaming turned into sobbing and suddenly he felt cool liquid around him. The fire was gone and it was quiet except for the sobs coming from Tony. He was lying on the couch, soaked from sweat and tears. His hands were cramped up as was his jaw from clenching all night. This was the fourth night he had the same nightmare, but the nightmare seemed to get worse every night. Spread across the living room lay empty liquor bottles. There was a hole in the wall where he punched it out of anger and in the corner lay a chair with just two legs left. His phone told him he had four missed calls from Pepper. She kept checking up on him since she dropped him off. Tony hadn’t taken her calls, but he had sent some texts, so the lying would be easier. He went to the bathroom and splashed some cold water in his face. He stood there for a while, looking at the bags under his eyes and the harsh lines on his face. He didn’t know how long he could keep doing this.

———

That afternoon Tony went outside. The bright sunlight he hadn’t seen in days forced him to squint his eyes. He walked along the river where he shared his first kiss with Steve and passed the bar where they met. He mindlessly wondered around town before his feet lead him to Pepper’s house. He rang the doorbell and Pepper opened the door.

_“Tony, hi!”_

She said surprised

_“The kids missed you this week. We’re just about to have dinner, you may join if you’d like to?”_

Tony accepted. He hadn’t had a proper meal in days.

The moment he walked into the room he was immediatly run over by a bulldozer named Peter.

_“Dad you’re back!”_

He laughed while giving Tony a big hug.

_“Hey kiddo.”_

He smiled while messing up the kid’s hair with his hand. Morgan also came waddling over to great her dad with a big smile. A great sadness hit Tony because he knew that this would be the last time he’d see them.

———

After dinner it was time for the kids to go to bed. After finally succeeding in getting the two monkeys ready for bed Tony grabbed a step up box to reach the upper bunk where Peter slept. He told him to come closer and looked his son in his eyes.

_“I love you Peter, you know that right?”_

Tony told his son. He felt tears welling up in his eyes, but he pushed them down.

He couldn’t cry in front of his son, he couldn’t show weakness.

_“Yes, of course I know.”_

Peter laughed.

_“I love you too dad”_

He said jokily, but the words stung Tony. The same words Steve had said to him before… no. He had to be strong.

_“Goodnight kid.”_

Tony said and gave Peter a kiss on his forehead. He stepped of his box and kneeled down next to Morgan’s bed, while Pepper went to kiss Peter goodnight.

_“Hey Morguna”_

Tony smiled at Morgan and caressed her hair.

_“Are you gonna read me a story daddy?”_

Morgan asked her father.

_“No honey, it’s time for you to go to sleep_.”

He answered softly.

_“Will you read me a story later then?” _

She bargained.

Again Tony felt tears welling up in his eyes hearing this question.

_“Sure I will honey.”_

He lied, still pushing down the tears.

_“I love you tons, kid”_

_“And I love you 3000, daddy”_

Tony now couldn’t stop a single tear rolling down his cheek.

_“3000… wow…”_

He sniffled softly and gave his daughter a kiss on her cheek and quickly wiped away the tear with his sleeve and got up from his kneeled position and walked out of the room. He didn’t dare looking back, because he knew how much harder that would make it all.

———

Back downstairs he waited on the couch for Pepper to return and realized he forgot the keys to his apartment before leaving that afternoon.

_‘Why couldn’t he do anything right? Crying in front of his daughter from a broken marriage, not being able to save Steve, forgetting his keys’_

_“Would you like something to drink Tony?” _

Tony looked up. He hadn’t noticed Pepper had come down yet.

_“Uh yeah… some water?_”

He answered after a short pause.

Pepper handed him a glass and he silently started sipping on it. Pepper sat down opposite to him and inspected his face. She too noticed the bags under his eyes and the harsh lines that had become harsher in only a few days’ time.

_“Tony… are you okay?”_

She asked softly.

_“Fine”_

Tony answered harshly.

_“Tony, we talked about this. Won’t you please get help?”_

_“No Pepper. I said I’m fine.” _

Tony spit out, his mask taking over.

_“Why don’t you stay here tonight. I’ll make the couch for you?”_

Pepper offered.

_“Sure, why not”_

———

A few hours later Pepper began yawning.

_“I think I’m gonna go to bed, will you be okay here?”_

she yawned.

_“Yeah, it’s a kings bed, thanks. Goodnight Pep.”_

_“Goodnight Tony”_

After he stopped hearing noises from upstairs he waited a few more minutes to be sure Pepper was sleeping. When he thought it was safe he grabbed Pepper’s keys of his apartment and sneaked out of the house, being as silent as possible. Out on the street it was as quiet as the night of the accident and he started walking. He remembered moments of his life, his 5th birthday party, he remembered the happiness he felt that day, and the sadness when he noticed his dad wasn’t there. He remembered being bullied for being the smartest in middle school. He remembered his dad coming home drunk one night and beating the shit out of Tony and his graduation from MIT. His mom was so proud, but his dad wasn’t there. The day he heard his parents had a car accident. Then the cave, the cave he spend 3 months in with Yinsen.

_“Don’t waste it, don’t waste your life, Stark”_

He could still hear him say.

_‘One more thing he failed at’_

———

It had started pouring rain so he was soaking wet when he arrived at his apartment. He went inside. He headed straight towards the bathroom because that’s where he hid a gun he took with him from Afghanistan above a ceiling light for one purpose only. He took 3 envelopes he had prepared the day before, one signed Pepper, one Peter and one Morgan, and placed them neatly on the table. He kneeled in the middle of the living room, trembling and tears silently streaming down his face, mixing in with droplets of rain still left on his face. He had planned all this months before, but didn’t think he would have to do it anymore after meeting Steve. He looked at the gun, and then looked over at a picture of Steve and him on his phone, the day before the accident. He starts sobbing now and bowed down in utter hopelessness.

_‘Why was life being so unfair, why did he deserve this?’_

When he sat back up, the tears still flowing freely down his cheeks, dripping on the floor between his knees, his body still jerks with sobs. He takes the gun and put it at his head, still shaking and sobbing. He places his finger at the trigger and tries to pull the it but he can’t do it. A frustrated scream sounds trough the sparsely filled room, followed by more frustrated sobs. Then, suddenly, he put the gun to his head once again and pulls the trigger without any more lingering. A loud bang echoes trough the apartment and Tony’s body hits the floor.

———

That morning Pepper finds the couch in the living room empty and unslept on. She calls out Tony’s name in the hope to see his wild bunch of hair appear behind the kitchen counter or from the hallway, but nothing happens. The keys to Tony’s apartment are gone. She quickly grabs her phone and dials Tony’s number, but there’s no answer. After having called 3 times she decides to call up the nice lady next door to ask if she can watch the kids for a bit and hurries to her car. Arrived at Tony’s apartment she rings the doorbell a few times, calling his name while doing so.

_“Tony please open the door, it’s me!” _

But once again nobody seems to have heard her screams. She walks towards the kitchen window, trying to look into the seemingly empty apartment by standing on her toes. After not having caught a sign of life from inside the apartment she rings the doorbell once more.

_“Please, Tony, I know you took my keys, please open the door, I’m worried about you!” _

A small click sounds from the door and the door swings open, a weak looking Tony standing in the opening. Pepper immediately notices the blood on his white shirt and the glazed look in his red-stained eyes. A faint whisper reaches Tony’s ears just before he passes out:

_“Oh my God, Tony what did you do?” _

———

When Tony wakes up he feels the coolness of a wet towel on his forehead, but this coolness failed to mask the terrible pounding on the right side of his head and the ringing in his right ear. A worried Pepper appears in his vision:

_“Tony, thank God you’re awake! What happened? Should I call 911?”_

All these questions made Tony even more nauseous. He clumsily sat up while mumbling:

_“No, no hospital. …M fine…” _

By sitting up his head wound appeared to Pepper, a round wound, just above his ear, with little pieces of what seemed like metal stuck to it. There was also blood coming out of his ear and all over the right side of his face. Pepper immediately rushed to the kitchen to get the first aid kit to clean the wound.

After picking out most of the pieces of metal from the wound she wondered out loud:

_“What even is this stuff?” _

Tony answered with a raspy voice:

_“They’re brass fragments”_

_“Fragments from what?”_

_“From the case”_

_“What case?”_

After a long pause he answers once again:

_“The bullet case.”_

Pepper dropped the tweezers she was using to remove the fragments from his wound and a desperate sigh escaped her mouth while she shakily walked to the other end of the room.

_“Oh my God Tony, you tried to shoot yourself?! What about- what about Peter- what about Morgan?”_

She almost screamed at him while Tony just sat there, staring at the ground. That’s when Pepper noticed the 3 envelopes signed with their names on the table and she started crying. A small sound came from the bend over figure on the other side of the room:

_“I- I’m sorry…”_

A single tear making its way down his cheek.

_“I’m taking you straight to the hospital, Tony.”_

Pepper said, phone in her hand ready to call 911.

_“No, nobody can know about this, Pep.”_

_“But Tony there’re burns and bruises and I’m pretty sure you raptured your eardrum! You can’t stay here!” _

Pepper now screamed at Tony.

_“They’ll heal won’t they!”_

Tony now screamed back in frustration.

_“Yes, in time, but you won’t. God, Tony, you can’t keep pretending that you’re okay! Babe, you shot yourself!”_

The desperate look on Peppers face gave away how worried she was about her husband, because weather they we’re in love or not, she still cared about him.

After a short pause he responded softly:

_“Not quite.”_

Pepper looked at him, confusion now mixing in with the worry on her face.

_“It was a blank round”_

_“Then why did you use a blank round?”_

Pepper asked him, the puzzled look still on her face.

_“I didn’t know it was.”_

He silently admitted to his ex.

_“I don’t know how that could’ve happened. Someone must’ve tampered with my gun.” _

Pepper put her hands to her face, trying to rub the tears and worry out of her eyes.

_“But you must go now Pepper, the kids. I’ll be alright.” _

_“Yeah there’s no way I’m leaving you here like this. You’re coming with me mister”_

She responded determined and handed him his coat and a hat to conceal the wound.

———

Back at Pepper’s place that evening Pepper has to call of for work and goes to the kitchen to make a call. Peter and Morgan are both enjoying some pizza and Tony is sitting opposite to them, just watching. Then Morgan asks:

_“Daddy, why are you wearing a hat?” _

Her eyes glimmering as ever with curiosity.

_“It’s to keep my head warm Morguna.” _

He answers, a faint smile around his lips. These kids could never fail to lift his spirits. Then Peter joins the conversation:

_“You said that hats are silly, dad.” _

A mischievous smile following up his comment.

_“I guess I’m being a bit silly then kid. How’s the pizza?”_

Two groans of approval came from the two chewing kids. Tony loved these monsters so much. He felt a tear making his way down his face, and then another and before he knew it he was full on crying again. Morgan asked him softly:

_“What’s wrong daddy?”_

And in between two sobs Tony sighed:

_“Nothing, I just need a hug.”_

The two kids made their way around the table and jumped in their father’s arms. Tony, who was still crying, almost whispered:

_“I just did something silly today”_

Peter untangled himself from the hug and said:

_“Like wearing a hat?”_

A grin splitting his face in two.

_“Yeah that too kid.”_

Tony smiled sadly and messed up his kid’s hair with his hand.

_“You promised to read me a story daddy. Will you read me a story now?”_

Morgan, looked at him, her innocent yet mischievous eyes widened.

_“Yes Morguna. I will read you a story now.”_

Tony smiled truthfully and kissed her head.

“I will.”


End file.
